I have come to believe that each man has to face the dark night of the soul, at least one time in his life. I am just beginning to start coming out of mine.
I have learned that the ones who will break your heart are not worth shedding a tear. That if somebody loves you , they will show it and not brag about it. That at the lowest you can fall, if the ones you were given to be close to you do not stand by your side, it does not mean that the Big one has forgotten you, it merely means that he is preparing the path on which the soothers and the healers will come to you.
I have come disappointed in human hearts, I have become tired of big words and promises, I have lost the faith in myself as I could never stand up to the ideal of what the ones who have loved me have seen in me.
I have lost a baby just to face its father walk down on us, I have been fighting illness just to see the love of my life walking away from me as I was too much to handle, and he needed to move away to survive, without even checking if I was winning or losing the battle, I have been crying my eyes out regretting the one I have thought to be the love of my life walking away.
Truth as I see it today is...nobody can walk away from the one they love, they can only walk away from themselves and slowly start dieing. If you love yourself and you love someone, you feel worthy of the love you share and no matter what life brings you, you are ready to face it, together.
Nobody can walk away from the fact that you have lost a baby, if you walk away from it, and put a happy face on it, it does not mean it did not happen. You can do zen, you can dance and you can laugh, you can share the positive attitude and be there to comfort others when needed, but it does not change the fact that you have walked out and let your own flesh and blood down, either by not being there to support the mother or by not saying farewell in a proper way.
You cannot walk away from the one who is close to you at the time of trouble, and think you have saved yourself. You did not, you might have taken the easy way, but the roads not taken are the roads life loves to take us for a ride, once again, until we learn the lesson the harder way.
You cannot be happy, while your behaviour is breaking somebody's heart. You cannot build your own happiness on somebody's misfortune. You cannot reset, restart and ignore the whole chapter of your life. It will come back to haunt you, if not now, or in a close future, then in your nightmares when you are 70 years old or on your deathbed.
You can walk out of everything, on hard times, on hard days, but the truth is, you walk away from yourself, from the person you could have become if you have accepted what life has brought up to you, faced it and grew through it.
You can escape and live in a magical world of milk and honey, of nice women, who do not sweat but glow and whose shit does not stink, but what you are walking away from is the reality and the real life, the real love, of the scars that life brings just to teach us how to appreciate the good times, as there is no day without a night and a relationship is the space where you put all your inner saints and demons in movement, once they start dancing you can bite the bullet and grow inside, expand the capacity of your heart, or chose an easy way out it so change a partner. But it does not change who you are or whom you put in movement, you can play at superficial level, you can swim in rubber suit, in both cases you will be safe and you will most likely not get hurt, but you will never have the full experience of it.
I have come to learn, through the hard way, that when everyone I know lets me down, if I have faith, a stranger will come, a person least expected, out of nowhere at the darkest hour of my soul to lift my head and dry my eyes. A stranger with a warm embrace and soothing word, that what was called love is far from the love we need. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, It is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all, Love never ends.
I pity thee, my love as you are facing the dark night of your soul without the oil in your lamp. You can walk away from everyone and everything except yourself. And when you think you are all that you need, and you are all that you are responsible for, in your arrogance you will withdraw the hand Big one has sent to soothe your pain.
And then at your own mercy, your inside will turn to desert, while your outside blossoms fed and watered with admiration, applause and adoration....and when that time comes, do not look for me. I have departured from our shores forever, after I have wedded the white lillies with the sea, in memory of our little angel who has returned to sleep before it has waken up.
Farewell my love.
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